The Inner Self
Our actions and behaviour, (our conduct) is mediated by our inner self, the synthesis of our
mental (thoughts) and physical (bodies).
How to recognise an abusive inner self
Abusive conduct is negative and destructive for all involved, but what is it that defines a person as abusive as opposed to perhaps angry or just in a bad mood, drunk, ill or depressed.
This is confusing because the abuser can appear normal and they are good at hiding it and acting making the abused believe that they are wrong or being over sensitive.
All relationships are a mix of good and bad, happiness and sadness are part of normal life, but where do we draw the line and say that’s enough, this is abuse.
People with an abusive inner self are not abusive all the time, in fact they can be lovely, they can be like the angel or the devil. Usually they go from one extreme to another, they can put you on a pedestal and wait just long enough for you to feel comfortable and then kick the pedestal from your feet sending you crashing down to the ground.
When they appear to be happy and comfortable, this may not be the case, and it feels like they are just waiting long enough for life to appear normal before they resume the abuse. The point is that they know when they have really crossed the line and need to behave.
However the amount of abuse the abused can take can get larger and larger.
Each time the abuser stops and backs down when they know instinctively they have gone too far. Conditioning the
abused to accept more and more abuse as the abusive relationship grows.
The Need to be in Control
Control is a method used to resolutely breakthrough into a position of social and intellectual dominance, to achieve a position of at the top of the pecking order or the food chain “You have to be cruel to be kind” or “I’m doing this for all of us”, “I’m doing this for your own good”, “I don’t want to have to be like this, I hate having to do this”. The belief being that once in a position of control they can dispense their generosity down to those below them. All problems
that are creating conflict will be resolved and the grass will be greener on the other side.
A Critical Nature
A harsh critical nature is due to feelings of stagnation and frustration within the social environment and general life un-happiness. These feelings may generate from financial troubles, work or lack of work, the family home / office or personal relationships and even drugs or alcohol.
The critical nature is destructive to all involved and can cause very real distress, and lead to negative petty differences and problems. The critical nature can and often is the abusers optimum means of doing harm without initiating direct conflict, a look, a word, a sigh, or just body language, all used to express negative feelings whilst hiding behind the safety of not actually being direct, and thus easily hidden by expressions of apology for being tired or stressed, and often followed by uncomfortable silences.
A Need to Shut Out the World
This a reductionist approach to control the world and avoid reality, to create a mini sub culture of immediate family and friends in which the abuser feels safe who are on the abusers side.
The abuser creates and fabricates stories and situations to gain sympathy and be seen as the innocent party. The abuser likes to stay in the company of those they can manipulate easily to be seen as being innocent in the events.
Even if this means remaining indoors and having no contact with any family or friends, if they have no choice they will be prepared become totally isolated, if that’s what it takes.
Success Coaching: Abusive Conduct by Brian C Nissen
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