A Jealous and Possessive Nature
Jealousy and possession are poor qualities that create a destructive sense of unhappiness, this creates an irritable abusive inner quality which the abuser draws from. All the abusers actions and behaviour are being drawn from this well of misery, this will remain until the water is cleansed by a storm to bring fresh water.
A Deep Internal Rage
This is where the abuser loses control if they fly into a rage, because they bind themselves into a losing position. The abuser wants to build up a deep seated rage in the abused, to build them up, brake them down and rebuild them in their own image.
If the abuser becomes raged out of frustration, their anger gets out of control, and because anger has a limited and exhaustible energy once it has burnt out the abusers find themselves in a vulnerable position which they have to justify or try to turn around.
The abusers want to use anger as a method of staying on top, being dominant, to intimidate, they want to use it as a tool. A tool in which to assign blame and justify their actions, they want the abused to believe that it is them that causes the rage, that the abuser is in fact working to help the abused, that it is the abused persons fault that they get angry.
The abusers primary target is to hurt the abused in such a fowl or hurtful manner that they respond in anger, once this is achieved they have full psychological control which they expertly manipulate to their advantage.
The abuser wants desperately to convince everybody that it is not them, that it is the abused who is in the wrong and they can do this very well.
An Unbelievable Charm
Abusers go out of their way to tell everybody what good people they are, they hate the fact that anyone may dislike them for any reason. They can fly into fits of anger and despair, but at the sound of the door bell they can flip into charm mode, speak to people pleasantly and rationally, close the door and return to their fit of rage, this is absolutely unbelievable from the abused persons point of view, as often they are the only ones who see it.
Abusers can have an unbelievable charm and are very “people person people” yet they are affected by a cold almost mercenary need for control. Almost as if they were born to be warm personable people, but by some quirk of nature were brought up to become strict disciplined and mechanical, and somehow find themselves flipping between the two.
It would seem that charm and rage are two sides of the same coin.
A Cruel Tongue
A cruel tongue really is the abusers weapon of choice to darken, humiliate and hurt their target. They can use it to create multiple stab wounds sometimes going over and over the same comments again and again, to build up a frenzy of stress, fear and pure overwhelming distress into the target.
The abuser hates to get no reaction from their target and get more and more hostile, leading to violence, preferably getting the abused to strike first in shear terror or utmost absolute distress. The abused attempts to clarify their position, but eventually realises that nothing they can say can resolve the situation and end up saying nothing and even trying not to move or do anything that can be used by the abuser, even the slightest movement can set of an attack by the abuser.
The abused person is wrong whatever they do, if they stay or go, if they speak or don’t speak and so eventually the abused just does nothing, but sit their and take it.
A Tendency to Blame Others
The tendency to blame others goes hand in hand with a cruel tongue, blaming others and finding enemies. Blackening peoples characters and encouraging allies to join in with the negating of a persons character. Using part truths to fabricate un truthful stories to create rumours, un-favourable conduct and negative feelings towards the people they abuse.
The abuser attempts to restrict the abused person’s social contact within the immediate community, keeping them locked out of the loop. They tend to want to befriend all the abusers friends and associates getting to know absolutely everyone the abused is in contact with or will come into contact with, getting in first to sow the seeds of doubt, so that the abused starts off even meeting new people under an unfavourable light.
Cycles of Fighting and Making-up
The angel and the devil and the cycle of influence, building up self-esteem and stripping it away. After a severe lashing of devil-some behaviour the abused will be ready to accept and be ready for compassionate love making. The abuser makes themselves ready and encourages the abused to approach them, the abused will be vulnerable and easily influenced.
All relationships have their ups and downs but abusive relationships keep the abused wondering just why they accept so many downs when the ups are few and far between, but loyalty and the sweetness of the relationship when it is good keeps them locked in.
The abused may even try to escape and even move out of the relationship, but the abuser always maintains a state of fear in them, because it takes a lot of distress for the abused to move out, their self esteem is always on a low, and they are always feeling vulnerable. The abuser at this stage can keep their anger and continue the abuse before switching into angelic mode to encourage the abused to return. Slowly turning on the charm until! they have them
back in their abusive web.
Behaviour that Creates A Sense of Confusion in the Target
During courtship for want of a better word the abuser subordinates to the abused but when the abused is financially and emotionally interweaved into the relationship the abuser becomes the directing and moving force in the relationship.
The abusive character is based around strength and weakness flitting between one and the other as the balance of power through continuity and change, waxes and wanes. As the abusive inner self controls the actions and behaviour of the individual it creates confusion as they flip between being strong and being weak, the angelic and devilish characteristics between good and bad.
These two extremes are so different it is like actually seeing two completely different people, thus the abused person who likes the good side but hates the bad side of the abuser is locked into a prison of endurance.
Success Coaching: Abusive Conduct (2) by Brian C Nissen
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